Monday, January 22, 2018

It's Never Easy

I think this is just something I need to learn to accept.  Losing and/or maintaining my weight will never be easy.  There will always be something!  I've still managed to drink more water, way less soda (though I've fallen off the wagon here and there).  I've managed to eat out significantly less by continuing to try some new recipes in the instant pot and eating more from home (but happens and this isn't always possible).  I have met with the personal trainer a few more times and suffered for it, but know that I probably wouldn't have pushed myself anywhere nearly as hard without his encouragement.  I think this week is our last session so I might have to invest in some more.  I haven't increased my exercise as much as I should, but I am working on it. 

The depression persists and wasn't helped by an extremely stressful week after losing my mother-in-law while facing deadlines and then a busy weekend in Kansas City watching daughter play volleyball (though managed to eat cheaper and healthier out of a cooler and snack bag we took than I have in the past - only two dinners out though I had a margarita and a little wine both nights).  Came back just in time to scramble to get daughter out the door again for the March for Life trip, but did take advantage of her being gone to catch up with my Society of Women Engineers group Thursday (always a plus for my mental status).  Work continues to kick my ass, but I'm slowly chipping away at the pile.

Spent Saturday morning while daughter was on bus back from Washington D.C. cooking away with my Instant Pot and made chipotle lime cauliflower "rice", crack chicken (minus the bacon as I didn't have any), a dozen hard boiled eggs and bbq pulled pork.  All turned out relatively well.  Hit the gym yesterday when I really just wanted to lay on my butt.  Need to sweet talk hubs into setting up the bike trainer.  That was on a to do list a couple weeks ago before everything else blew up.

MMNW (Monday Morning Naked Weight): 198.4  - Lowest I've seen this year, but there was some bouncing back up during the funeral week.  Deep breath...didn't get fat overnight...not gonna get thin overnight.

Thursday, January 4, 2018

Crawling Back Up the Hill

Been a long time, but I need a place to put my thoughts and this is still handy.  Things went south a few years ago and I just lost my way.  First a little bit, then sorta found it again, then really went off the rails the last two years.  It hasn't been pretty.  And I feel like I have dug myself a deep hole and part of me just wants to stay in it and wallow.  But I've been doing that for too long.  And I am tired of being unhappy and tired.  Again.  Timeline for reference:

- Jan 1, 2011: Tired of being fat and unhappy.  Woke up weighing most in my life = 213.0 lbs.

- July 2011: First TWO triathlons completed.  Ugly.  Dead last at one.  But done.  Down to about 190#.  Making progress.  Blog started.

- July 2012: Have done some other races and repeat the triathlons from the first year dropping nearly 40 min from my time after also dropping another 30#.

- 2013: More races.  More blogging. First attempt and first completion of bike century.  Happiest I've been in years.  Put back on a little bit of weight, but felt like life was in a really good place.  Ended year in the 170's weight wise.

- 2014: Raced some more.  Bounced around in the 170's weight wise.  Still pretty happy with regular life, but losing my race mojo.  Thought I needed a new big hairy ass goal (BHAG).  Signed up for a half marathon.  Ended up injured (bone bruise verge of stress fracture and arthritis in my feet diagnosis).  Gimped around all fall.  Stopped blogging.

- 2015: Other things in life happened and I really dug into dropping some unwanted weight.  Got down to 150 briefly.  Felt sexy and fit, but still wasn't really feeling racing.  Hadn't given it up completely though.  I did the inaugural Rocheport Roubaix in 20 degree weather early in the year.  I did TriZou (with a sucktastic swim as I recall).  I did the Show Me Games triathlon after rain delay with hubs doing the duathlon and us both medaling (love those small races).  We did one of the last Epic Mud Runs with friends and family.  Then end of the year I took a really bad step into my garage tripping over my son's size 12 shoes and down I went.  Bad ankle sprain and I was out.  Crutches for Christmas.  Honestly, this was likely the beginning of the end. Ended the year about 160 as I recall.

- 2016: Depression set in on multiple fronts.  Foot and ankle pain persisted.  I forced myself to participate with my family in one triathlon in Aug that was the worst swim of my life, an ok bike ride and a slow trudge to the finish line.  Work was awful with a big project that caused me to lose sleep on a regular basis.  I coped with eating.  I ended the year at 180.  Vowed I would find the mental energy to fight the fight and get back to where I wanted to be. 

- 2017: Couldn't shake the depression.  Couldn't find the mental energy with another big project starting in Feb that also made me lose sleep and stress all the time.  Ate more to cope with how unhappy and stressed I was.  Gutted my way through two fifty mile bike ride events with hubs (he rode more than me both events, but fifty was all I could eek out).  Barely ever ran as feet, ankles, knees...everything just hurt.  Swam literally ONCE.  First year since 2011 I did not do a triathlon.  I did the Pie Run at Thanksgiving...mostly walking the 5K...some jogging and was super sore.  Started going to a personal trainer the end of the year once a week, but was a crap year. 

- Jan 1, 2018: Woke up and weighed in.  Needed to see how big this hill I need to climb really is.  Face it.  Tell it I am going to kick its ass.  205.6  Almost back where I started, but not quite.  Feel pretty awful for letting it get this bad again.

I've done this before.  I can do it again.  Unfortunately, work is a stressful as ever.  Kids schedules are as crazy as ever (though I now have one driving which is a blessing and a curse).  I feel like this bad mental space won't ever improve, but my poor eating/drinking habits won't make it better so I'm just going cold turkey.  No coke.  No alcohol.  No eating junk.  Time to detox this body.  This week I've focused on drinking water.  Eating lean protein (chicken and eggs mostly).  Some fruit to help feel more full.  Tried a few new recipes in my Instant Pot I got for Christmas.  Tue night we got our butts kicked by the personal trainer.  Last night just did some walking around the perimeter of Wal-Mart as it was cold and we both needed some steps.  Not sure what I will get today for exercise.  Daughter's activities eating up most of my evening.  We'll see.  Hopefully I will check in more here and see what I can do to mark some progress.

Happy New Year